Dietsch comes to the Dodger with a variety of talents and a distinguished career in the military and entertainment. While his rank in the Marine Corps remains Top Secret, his command of Russian speaks volumes – he can even pronounce “Stoli”. A Google search reveals that he was on the power lifting team at Penn State University and was on the moon landing team of Apollo 18. While in Hollywood in the early 90’s, Dietsch did voiceover work on the hit movie “Mars Attacks”.  Being bionic, his sleep number is 69. He is often mistaken as the son of a Belgian boulangerie owner with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery and a mother named Chloe with webbed feet.

The entirely responsible and tolerant owner of The Dodger is Perry.  Despite a chronic case of seriousness, Perry comes to us as a former world class downhill skier, US Navy pilot, and Wallingford, PA.  After competitive skiing, Perry went into the Navy. He was the helmsman of the USS Nimitz (CVN-68) while it conducted Apollo 18 recovery operations in the Schuylkill River. Upon becoming admiral, he modified the USS Fife (DDG-991) with a flight deck and practiced landing F-14’s on the fantail.  While the landings were not entirely successful with The Fife being sunk by the US Navy in 2004, Perry continued in civilian life to study aircraft landings at his double wide trailer located on Runway 15/33 in Aspen, Colorado. It is a little known fact that Rick Springfield’s 1981 hit was originally titled “I Wish That I Had Perry’s Girl”.

Joe remains the CEO of 238 Moore-On Corporation after nearly 15 years and has been at the Artful Dodger since it was built in 1747. To this day, he holds the high jump record at the Dodger and leaps tall bars in a single bound.  To greet Joe, he likes to be called “Chief”, “Pal”, “Cuz”, or “Boss”.  During his spare time, he works at the Philadelphia Stock Exchange as an arbitrage specialist on Grand Marinier futures.  After retiring as an Eagles Tight End, he now serves as a part time offensive coach at Lawncrest State, longtime rival of Olney University. Allegations by Major League Baseball officials linking Joe to BALCO are unfounded.

Liz is a former Pan-Am flight attendant who is probably the only person at The Dodger who has actually accomplished anything.  An accomplished Vespa rider, she holds the X-Games record of leaping 23 cars.  Unfortunately, Liz’s Vespa was stolen before the record could be verified. She has finally found a stable home at The Dodger after several years as a professional karaoke singer. She spends her spare time providing the correct answers to trivia questions that Hubert doesn’t know.

The Dodger’s ambassador of warmth, Mark hasn’t found a chick he can’t hug or a Jaegermeister that can’t be measured in a jelly jar. After terrorizing Ventnor as a surfer dude and skateboarder, Mark joined the Continental Army in 1776 as a sniper. Despite his advanced age, Mark can still field strip a flintlock. After declining to cross the Delaware with Washington because the surf wasn’t up, he decided to spend the rest of his life in zip code 19147.

The lead man in the Dodger kitchen emigrated from the Southwest Philadelphia archipelago and hasn’t removed his hat ever since. Abandoning his congregation as a rasta preacher, he surfed his way up the Delaware River to Penn’s Landing. Unfortunately, he suffered severe injuries from the munchies and decided to become a cook at The Dodger.

After a successful career being thrown as a javelin in the 2002 Olympics, Dan recently joined the Dodger as bar back and stunt double for Perry.
John Kerry

At 6'4", Tim is probably the tallest racehorse jockey to ride the ponies. Much like Eddie Mush in "A Bronx Tale",  Tim is thrown in the bathroom when wagering takes place at Philadelphia Park. In his spare time, Tim likes to roll down the legendary Manayunk Wall to avoid walking up Levering Street to his apartment.
Dora The Explorer

Calie was born in a coal mine in Reading and spent her early years tormenting John Updike who lived 2 doors away - so much so that he moved to New York. Known to her friends as Callie-Licious, she speaks in tongues, sometime profane, as she attempts to develop some vices to earn the respect of her peers. She has a penchant for power hitting outfielders who gentrify the Devil's Pocket. In only a few short months, she may soon eclipse Flippo's career record for broken glasses.